I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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