Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
ugly people sure do ruin things
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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