Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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