thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
