i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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