she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
How's work?
Spinning.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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