Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
How external is "for external use only"?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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