wanna go halves on a baby?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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