Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
