it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
