You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
