i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
