Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
