Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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