so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
