question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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