He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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