even my farts smell like vagina
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
