the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
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