Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
