i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
