my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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