Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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