Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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