Pants 0. Shit 1.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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