I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
