he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
