I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
