Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
