P.S. I can't hear my feet
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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