Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
