Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
