so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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