oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
