guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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