There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Randomize
