I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Randomize
