why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
