I think I won the penis lottery.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
you had me at cake vodka
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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