guess who came home with a hottie last night
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.