He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.