I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.