I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
It was confusing and full of hummus
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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