blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
