Nicole vs. Life
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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