I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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