I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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