plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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