im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
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while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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