im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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