Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
