dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
barbara walters just said penis...
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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