She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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