Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
