Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
