My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
