Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
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Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
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You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize