tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
