Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
