p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
